my life is in shambles..once upon a time i had purpose. and now there is none im just a burned out shell of what could have been and what will now never be

Things with the bf are still going great, I really think this has what it takes to stand the test of time.Thank fucking god lol.I have too much crap to do to worry about relationship problems and yet I get lonely as hell so its awesome that I finally found my match<3. Anyway I pretty much abandoned this journal, not too sure why. I really should start using it again if not just to vent,I'm pretty sure no one reads it anymore :-p. I turn 23 in about an hour and 10 minutes...It's odd, I never thought I'd make it this far lol.Kinda pathetic too. I might not have accomplished what some people my age have, but I have overcome so much adversity and for that I am thankful and lucky and definately wiser then alot of people.I'm still trying to get my shit on track to where things are ideal but I have indeed come a long way, even since last year. Lately I have been removing plenty of people who have surrounded me due to realizing that they were below me in a lot of ways. That is not to sound narcassistic or anything, but it's true. One must have some sort of standards in making friends or else suffer in dealing with morons constantly. I decided that I really don't care what anyone else has to say unless I know for a fact that they have my best interest always in mind, and not just their own. I don't want to associate with anyone who uses drugs either, I thought I could do it and not fuck up and I didn't fuck up but the temptation was there too often, so I cut myself off from those kinds of friends. I have started to make up with people that I pushed away when I was being self destructive and surprisingly enough after all my shit they still love me enough to accept me back into their lives. It's a good feeling. I know I am a very well loved person, but I'm also a very hated person (and misunderstood). It seems like since I have cut myself off, that people are starting to make up all kinds of crazy fucking rumors about me and spreading em around. It's no skin off my back cause it just proves my point even further that they are inferior and immature...but it's annoying nonetheless.
I think that people are actually pissed off for some reason that I am trying to get my life together and don't have time to waste on ruining myself anymore....I am sorry that I chose to grow up finally. It's about damn time. IDk....I was gunna write more but Im tired as hell Ive been up all day running around trying to get stuff done. I will try to update a little more often then once every 6 months lol. I hope everyone out there in LJ land is doing well!!!<3

Just in case anyone has wondered what became of me, I am alive, doing very very well, and also falling in love with probably the best guy I have ever EVER EVER met. He's seriously a perfect match for me.:)
Life is so beautiful!

Cathy I just found out what happend.I am so sorry for your loss.I dont know what to say,so im not going to pretend I do.Just know that I know what you're going thru,and if you need to talk to me,if you need ANYTHING,don't hesitate to ask me.



in other news,I dumped Jon and,at the end of the summer Im moving to Florida.Fuck CT.

tomorrow I turn 22.:)

Yesterday would have been Dads 43rd birthday.I got up early,had the Orchid Florist make a 50 dollar flower boquet,went up to Colebrook to his grave where my gram met me.Jess and Jon were with me since they are stayin with me now.Gram gave everyone beer at 11am.Fun Fun.Then I went to see my Uncle Mike since it was his day off,and I hadnt seen him since July.He met Jon.I think he likes him.Mikes wife told Jon that he looked like Phil from Pantera.lol I guess Im supposed to be flattered by that.Whatever..then we went ot hartford/manchester for a lil bit.Then we came home,Jess n I painted the bathroom.Im tiling it soon too,because theres carpet in there and that makes about as much sense as carpet in a kitchen.Yucky.:( What else...hmm.I started tattooing.I gave Jon 2 so far,one Anarchy sign on his left shoulder and HATE on his knuckles.He had done love on one,so I naturally had to do the hate.Both came out good,esp for not having lessons yet.Seize has to find time to teach me but in the meanwhile I will practice on my boyfriend lol.Things are going good with us.Yes sir.Im going to Florida in the next month or so to see my cousin Katie.I havent seen her since dads wake.She's been living down there for like the past few years,in ft lauderdale.So finally a vacation.Jons prolly coming with me.The puppy's doing really well too.Shes so cute.I got her little clothes lol..she has a knit black n white sweater with skulls for when its cold,a t shirt that says "if you mess with bats you mess with me" and a little army jacket.lol....Im such a dork.Well anyway.im guna go see if home depot is open so i can get crackin on that tile.

SASCHA (after sascha konietzko of KMFDM)

I heard your mother enjoys bologna sandwitches.

happy new year everyone.Im happy to report mine was a safe and sober nite!I went to the glassjaw/hatebreed show at toads,then to a couple peoples house n then home.Jon and I are doing really really good.He's simply amazing and everyday I spend with him feels like I won the lottery,I am so lucky to have met someone like him.It feels like we've been together forever,and I can't wait for the things to come for us.I never felt this way for someone so fast,its a bit scary but I enjoy it at the sme time.This year is going to be a good one,I just know it.Im leaving the past behind me and concentrating on the future.I dont want to be held down by the things t hat have transpired.Im letting go.The past 2 weeks I've realised how much time I've wasted on petty shit,my perspective has changed so much because of Jon,because he *truly* makes me happy and makes me appreciate every day on this earth so much more.I have alot to get done this year,I really do,and I cant wait for it to all begin. Im quitting smoking cigs,hittin the gym,hopefully going bck to school (whether its online or not) and gettin a j-o-b.Im also goin to concentrate on my music and art more.This is a new start for me,once and for all.I will not waste my oppurtunities any longer.Thats pretty much all I have to say right now.Im going to go back to bed.I hope you all are well n that this new year brings you all that you desire and deserve,and then some.